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from January, 2007

Papa Ratzi

This is old content from my previous blog, EveryGoodBoyDeservesFruit.com. Check out the new stuff too.

As Good As The Real Thing

Some experiences are so outrageous that it’s hard to believe that, as a blogger, I am being handed a blog post on a silver platter. And then there are those experiences that are so good, even if you aren’t a blogger, you should start one just to recount what happened. I’m just going to relay it to you straight, should you begin to doubt it’s truth.

Earlier this week I was approached to take place in something very vaguely described as a “rent-a-crowd” situation. My first reaction was “they actually exist?” and my second was “of course”. Actually, those thoughts overlapped a little, but you get the general jist. When I was later informed it would require cameras, I was even more sure that this was something I wanted to do. Forget the fact that I would be getting paid, this was going to mean blog fodder of unquestionable value, something I simply could not pass up.

All week we pondered the specifics. Who were we stalking? Would they know who we were? Just for who’s benefit was this? All we were told was to turn up at a particular place and particular time, question the lady at the toffee stand about “orange toffee”, to which she would reply “sorry, orange toffee has to be imported” at which point we would be handed the sealed case file and self-destructing reel to reel audio tape. Well, not quite. That is what I had secretly hoped, but regardless we were still clueless as to what we were doing when we all turned up.

It turns out it wasn’t going to be quite as scandalous as inferred. Our instructions were this: to line the entrance to a big Hollywood themed corporate awards night and play the role of paparazzi photographers, snapping as many photos as we could and harassing them in true paparazzi style. Okay, so maybe not quite so demented, but it was still going to let me take pictures and yell at people, which is a beautiful scenario for me. Add to this we were all being paid pretty decently for what was half an hour’s work.

Before the doors opened we really had a great chance to take in the excessiveness of the corporate world. In spite of the drizzle raining on all the guests in their fancy frocks outside, there was still time for someone of some status to make someone of lesser status crawl on her hands and knees to remove the specks of lint from the fake red carpet. Classy.

Small groups of people were let in at a time to give them a chance to be fully accosted by us before letting the next bunch in. Some of them really played along with it and had fun, stopping to chat and pose, but others wore their internal groan on their faces. We shouted things like “Who are you wearing tonight?”, “I loved your last movie!” and “What have you got to say about rumours of a split?” at the guests, and one woman, who was absolutely concerned with what I was asking her was entirely confused when I asked her what her “next project” was.

It was a surprisingly fun night with our phony american accents and thirty minute improv session. I’d do it again (of course, should we get paid). I had always assumed my first paid acting role might be a little more glamorous, but hey – it beat picking lint off the floor for money.

No Responses to “Papa Ratzi”

  1. Penguin says:

    Funny thing is, in a way their fantasy came true after you posted these shots! Watch out for this snapper people, if you see him at your next conference run a mile! (after posing as Nicole Kidman and claiming that you’re wearing Coco Chanel). Love the shoes!

  2. Tyson says:

    Penguin – I’m expecting a few threats of cease and desist. I would like to say though, in every adventure I partake in, I always try to fulfill a few fantasties and shatter a few others.

  3. Kevin says:

    Is this going to be part of an actual movie or was it just an ego boost for some D list celebrities desperate to get themselves noticed? Are we going to see your pearly whites gleaming down at us from a movie screen? People need to know.

    PS: I won’t have any bushes in my yard for you to spring from for your candid snaps for many months.

  4. Tyson says:

    Kevin – Rest assured, it was purely for the benefit of these people who were not D list celebrities at all, just employees of this particular corporation.

  5. Troy says:

    Now whose a stalker eh Tyson? You post those fantastic photos of us all, warning readers of your blog site to stay away from us. No, you’re the one getting paid to do. At least we do it for the love of seeing you being through torture…lol

  6. steph says:

    That is so cool! Why won’t the company i work for do that??? How about if i hire you personally to follow me around and take pics of me? LOlZzz, my famewhoring knows no bounds.

  7. Tyson says:

    Troy – You’ll have to decypher that for me one day.

    Steph – What for? So you can crop my beautiful work and post another photo of your ankle?

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Fresh Icing

This is old content from my previous blog, EveryGoodBoyDeservesFruit.com. Check out the new stuff too.

Regular readers with note my penchant for cupped cakes. Don’t worry, it’s not dirty, I looked it up.

Donations to the EveryGoodBoyDeservesFruitStomach of Merriment and Jest‚Ñ¢ having been coming thick and fast with Chae and Tim’s care package of some instant mug muffins, and now Troy has supplied me with a batch of 12 freshly iced cupped cakes. I snatched three down my garter before the greedy hogs around me stole the rest. They were delish!

Thanks Troy!

PS: For those considering further donations, I have an easy-to-read 47 page dietary guide which can be requested through email. Audio book version also available.

No Responses to “Fresh Icing”

  1. Troy says:

    Glad I could help with fatening you up…

  2. Tyson says:

    Troy – I know who you’ve been talking to… *GOOD* man…

  3. Troy says:

    LOL….how did you know?

    He’s my number 1 suitor now…i think you’re safe

  4. steph says:

    You little piggy!! Nobody likes a fat GoodFruitBoy ya know! ;)

  5. Penguin says:

    Yess.. Every Good Boy Deserves Cupcakes is just wrong! It ends on an F not a C! Didn’t John Thompson ever teach you anything??

  6. Troy says:

    We are having special cupped cakes tomorrow night, double the sprinkles with a special surprise in the middle…maybe i should open a cupped cake shop??

    What was the name…Bloodnuts & Doughnuts…

  7. Tyson says:

    Troy – Nice to know!

    Steph – You’re just upset that I am not sharing.

    Penguin – Apparently not. I’ll be switching back to apples now.

    Troy – I’m more than a little frightened.

  8. Kevin says:

    Cupped cakes are too small. We need more fist sized ones.

  9. Tyson says:

    Kevin – I don’t disagree.

  10. The Bex says:

    Tyson! Hello from New York City! We had GIANT beautifully iced cupped cakes from a fancy bakery on 5th Ave today. They were/are delicious. We love you!

  11. Tyson says:

    The Bex – I hope you stuck your finger into the icing for me. Hope you’re having fun!

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Hair of the Dog

This is old content from my previous blog, EveryGoodBoyDeservesFruit.com. Check out the new stuff too.

I saw a girl on Oprah today (as I was eating lunch, shuddup), who was a beautiful model but was convinced she was hideous when she looked into the mirror.

Later, as I was sitting at the hairdresser’s chatting to Rachael about those wasted Paula Abdul interview videos on YouTube and the kids in the next room who were hitting each other constantly, I looked into the mirror and saw me in forty years. The lighting in that place isn’t flattering at the best of times, but today I looked positively deathly. I blame most of that on the four hours of sleep I got last night which seems to be my bed’s revenge for being publically humiliated.

A few moments later, another hairdresser turned around to the kids who were hitting each other with their thongs at this point and yelled, “Hey! I’m the only slapper in here!”

Oh, well. Some people have the smarts.

… And because this post isn’t quite humiliating enough yet, here’s me right after my four hours of sleep.

and here I am, post haircut, doing my best Guy Blank impersonation.

9 Responses to “Hair of the Dog”

  1. Troy says:

    Nice do Tyson

  2. steph says:

    What a spunk! That pic is getting saved in my flick files.

  3. Tyson says:

    Troy – Thanks! It might make me look more butch… I didn’t get bashed when I passed a few kids today.

    Steph – I don’t even want to question the implication of the word “flick” in that sentence.

  4. Kevin says:

    Okay, two things that should never be done together – Oprah and lunch. The consequences could be dire.

    What hair did you get cut? I can’t tell the difference. Who is Guy Blank?

  5. Tyson says:

    Kevin – I like a dose of Oprah over lunch, particularly when she’s doing her “This is a lightbulb moment. My entire life from now on in will be completely different” bit. As for the hair, it was a bad shot. Lots and lots cut off. I was told it was heavily textured. Uh huh. Guy Blank is Jerri Blank’s father in the TV Show/Movie Strangers with Candy. He is a fully active member of society (until ravaged by dogs), but he’s on camera, he’s always frozen in a pose with his mouth open and hands clawed.

  6. james says:

    Oprah is fine at all timeslots.

  7. Penguin says:

    I thought the fox draped over your head look was in… Nice bran by the way!

  8. Sh@key says:

    Oprah in the middle of the day? During Lunch? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING! We all know shes put there to deter you from actually eating your lunch.. “If your too fat from eating lunch.. Skip it! Lose those unwanted pounds..” However I must say during oprah, there’s some awesome home shopping items.. So what if they are mostly for 1 of 2 things – Food preparation OR Inventions to make you loose weight.. Hrmm.. Me suspects they are in cahoots to keep the home shopping cash cow alive.. I cannot get over how young you look in your cereal pose.. “Me loves me bran – mummy says its good for me insides..” – BTW WHERES FARRAH! I thought the FARRAH look was coming back for an appearance.. Not happy..

  9. Tyson says:

    James – I’m perfectly fine with endorsing a comment war between my readers.

    Penguin – It was… until I was getting sprayed with red paint everywhere. I don’t own much that goes with red unfortunately. And yes, I’m just clearing out the last of the bran as I type.

    Sh@key – I’m one of those people who can watch endless amounts of Motivational Television‚Ñ¢ and never actually make the psychological connection between the television person and me. I do, however, cry at even the sniff of sadness. As per the Farrah, I was about one week away from it when I had my hair cut, and I wanted to get it done prior to photos. It may be back in time for the show, though.

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